Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
