Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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