I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
try to milk me bitch
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
