My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize