not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
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i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
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You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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