JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
