Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
