3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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