I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
i think my cat just said my name.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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