you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
