some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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