i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
