i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
