I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
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