You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
