Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
