...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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