I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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