Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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