i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Semen is not good for contacts.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
