I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Just high enough for therapy.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So vagazzling was a success
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
