On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
