Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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