Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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