I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Randomize
