listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Dick very happy bro
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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