i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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