I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
