I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
