What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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