captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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