Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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