you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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