Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
