I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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