Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
