If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Randomize
