I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
