i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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