I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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