well you can't waste a boner
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
