Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Randomize
