I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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