This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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