I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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