just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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