Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
