I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
