I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
