fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
