I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
