Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
where does the pee come out of this thing
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
