the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize