Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
