My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
