3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
