I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
