i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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